What Was Wrong With Them?

Abusive Adoptive Parents: Who Were These People?

Neither of them was ever diagnosed with any mental illness or personality disorder.  They were both the kind of people who said that depression or any kind of sadness could be cured by reading the Bible. If I ever looked like I might be "depressed," it was because I wasn't letting the Holy Spirit live through me, or some other stupidity.

She once told me that she would be an awful person without Jesus. She said that she would be so bad that I wouldn't be able to deal with her, if not for Jesus. For the sake of argument, let's say that Jesus did keep her from being any worse. I cannot imagine it, unless her belief in Jesus actually kept her from killing me. But I don't thank her Jesus for that. I lived through so much abuse that if there had been a Jesus, he was obviously ignoring what was happening in our house. 

I also learned that attention was almost always a bad thing, and that "flying under the radar" was sometimes the best way to stay safe, although I could almost never get away to do this.

She tended to use me as her figurative and literal punching bag and apparently had this need to know where I was at all times. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere else in the house and be by myself. It's like she needed me there to take whatever anger she had at the time. She didn't treat anyone else like this. 

She was obsessed with what I wore, what I ate, and what expression I had on my face every second of the day. I was never free from her grip. 

I will elaborate more on all of these issues, but once I finally realized in about 2006 that it's more than likely that they were both narcissists--and she was obviously a malignant narcissist--suddenly so much of my childhood made sense. It didn't make it any easier to deal with, and I'm still struggling with it today, but sometimes knowing what the problem was makes it easier to start the healing process.